sabbatical.

I broke down in April.

Well, it began earlier than that. I can't pinpoint the exact day that it happened. It wasn't even one day; it was a series of days, of moments, that all eventually collided to make me realize something: I needed help.

Here's a semi-brief rundown of the events that transpired in 2010:

In January, I returned from Lima from Christmas/New Year's vacation. Marta lived with me for about a month, before we both went to Cusco in February (her for school, me for work-related purposes). I returned to life in Arequipa, lived it fairly mundanely in February and March (the highlights were a weekend beach trip and my sister's visit).

Notice I don't say much about classes/Bible studies/ministry. I was staring at the edge of a pit, about to fall in. My attitude was not where it needed to be, and concerning ministerial things, life was seemingly absolutely and utterly falling apart (code word for failing) around me.

The opportunities that I'd encountered to minister had diminished as far as teaching goes (a very long story, one I won't go into--just know it wasn't positive). I was tired of being canceled on by my friends, tired of doing things alone, and honestly, tired of making the effort for what I felt had just become a huge waste of time.

I felt so alone. More than I ever had in my life.

April came. I was able to translate on two back-to-back trips to villages in Peru. They were both incredible blessings. I have no words for those times. People surrounded me and loved on me. I learned so much and thought I was "getting on the right track." I felt busy during this time. Needed. I hadn't felt that in a long time.

After my return to Arequipa around April 18, I was left alone. I should preface this "alone" emphasis with certain information: There is a family here I relate to on my team, but I haven't worked with them much; another family who is here with the IMB works as church planters; finally, other missionaries are around in language school, who I see every now and then; and of course, I had a few Peruanos leftover who would check up on me.

Tears came every day, usually in unexpected moments. I felt like I'd been abandoned. I felt like I had no purpose. I wanted to quit, but I didn't. I honestly didn't know what I needed. I felt very far from God.

I called some people with the IMB to get things moving in the direction of "resolution."

I had this grand idea to go to Lima. It was the only thing I knew to do: There was work going on there, I could support the ESL people, I would be around my team. I needed to talk to someone who understood where I come from and who understood what I was going through.

God gave me an idea: "Stay with Rebekah and Michael Constante." I barely knew these people at the time. For some reason, I just knew I needed to be with them. I ended up staying at their home in total for about a month. I became part of their family, for which I am forever thankful.

Rebekah became a confidant, a listener, and an advisor. Her husband Michael became someone with whom to laugh with until it hurt. Jenny and John McClamb laughed and cried and counseled me; they felt for me. Both family's children were little "happy pills" that ran around on two legs--I could instantly feel better just by hearing "Tia Sarah" or getting a hug. Ginny, Jess, and Julia listened and cried with me.

I spent my time in Lima trying to heal. I spent time with the Lord, talked to people, got to hang out with Peruvians and Americans, felt like I was contributing in some way.

I left Lima in tears on May 15. I remember two times thinking very negative thoughts that I had never really had in my life concerning my own life. I pleaded with God to take me. I set foot on Arequipa soil crying. I cried in the taxi home, and I cried as Ginny opened the gate to let me into my house.

I had no idea why I was crying. I couldn't express it to her. I hugged her and held onto her, and she said this:

"It's because this place holds so much pain for you."

This statement is so true, and it's been the catalyst for me to examine a lot of things in my life. I've taken the last few weeks to reflect on myself, my time here, my character, my walk with God, my calling. I've journaled, I've talked, I've kind-of prayed. I've realized how messed up I am. There is just a lot of junk in my life that I need to confess, turn away from, and remove. I feel like a failure, which is invalid because God doesn't see me as that; I've searched for so many things to "do" and people to "please" in hopes that I would gain favor with God. There is just so much I'm realizing about myself and it hurts my heart because I see how far removed grace has become in my life.

Coming back to Arequipa twice after "Lima time" made me realize that this sabbatical, this time of "healing" is going to take a lot longer than expected. Like the events that transpired to get me to the point of rock bottom, the process of healing is going to take time as well.

Pruning hurts so much. Being in the valley for almost two years makes your body ache. Regardless of short happy times, of learning things, of seeing small delights as you walk through your trial, whatever it may be, that trial takes it's toll.

I'm willing to continue moving through this time of "sorrowful valleys." I'm also trying to move in the direction God would have me to go, which is to Himself. I think He's abandoned me when the truth is, I've abandoned Him. How ridiculously sad.

My friend Caroline wrote my heart on her blog. I read it and the floodgates opened up (I cry a lot these days--call it my whacked-out emotions, call it depression, call it being cleaned-out). Here's something profound that I can relate to:

"for the past six months, i've been noticing a change in heart: i don't "feel" much anymore. it has taken me quite a while to figure out what that means, what might have caused the change, and more-so, am i okay with it. and the truth is, i'm not. i'm tired of experiencing things on my own...i'm so sick of building friendships with people that are not emotionally responsive. i want to be able to come home to someone with whom i can feel safe to share what is really on my heart. i want to be able to trust people again. i want to feel like it's okay to pick up the phone and call friends...instead i stop myself every time, thinking that too much time and space have passed, or that i need them more than they need me.

i know that all things come from the Father's hand, but i'm having trouble coping with the fact that He removed me from community for such a long time. yes, i have learned many lessons through relying on Him more, but i never thought i would be deadening my emotional receptivity. especially these past few months, it has been harder to fight away the reminders that i have become dead inside.

the redeeming part about all of this is the reminder the Lord gave me today, after reading in John 15. i have been wondering if the deadening in my heart is something that is irreversible, like many of the people i know who just go into emotional hiding and never come out of it. but today i realized that, though i have endured drought, i became negligent in "abiding" in Him. so my soul has begun to wither, and with it my ability to relate to and invest in others. the task now becomes "remaining" in God's love, and trusting that He can restore green, abundant life through my branches. yes, i believe my heart is still green, stemming from the True Vine.

"The redeeming part about all of this." I like that part. We are God's redeemed. I am His daughter. I have to remind myself of those statements.

I will get better. Caroline and I talked, and we both agreed: God will heal us in time. I'm really trying to work through things regarding my person, my emotional state, and my spiritual state. I've realized that I need to see a counselor when I return to the States in August. It took me awhile to not be ashamed of that fact.

I need your help. My story is longer, and I wish I could tell you all of it. But for now, I ask for your prayers. I ask that God would break me and I would be on my face in search of Him, the ultimate Counselor.

Thanks for keeping up with me. I do hope that as you walk through life, I can somehow pray for you, help you in anything, or just give you a hug when you need it. I appreciate you all and love you very much.

Trying to learn to love more, get joy back, and become alive again....

Sarah