If someone had asked me a year ago if I saw better times coming, I would have laughed bitterly, snickering, and probably just cried my way through a sad monologue, trying to convey the depth of hurt and pain that I felt. No one would ever have understood what I was going through, I was convinced of this.
While 2010 saw agony and regret and bitterness and sorrow and many, many tears, 2011 is bringing redemption and healing. Praise God.
God is bombarding me with words and lessons and, perhaps more important, love. I still have hard days; I believe everyone does. To be honest, my winter, though it is leaving, shows its face every now and then. But the cool thing, the heavenly thing, is that when remnants of my 'winter of the heart' reappear, God has told me, ingrained in me, and given me the desire to take whatever hurt, whatever frustration, or whatever circumstance--and give it fully to Jesus and let Him have it. He knows what I'm going through. And in everything, I trust Him and give Him thanks for this moment, for just simply living life with me.
I'm seeing God's face and provision in countless small things. If anything, just reading my journal and tracing Scripture I've recorded, or conversations I remember having with friends and mentors--those are the things that help me remember that I am always going to be learning new things while I walk with Christ. He is teaching me about decision-making, being wholly confident in the Gospel, trusting Him and leaning into Him in everything, understanding that He is FOR me, how my attitude affects everything, seasons that come and go, and seeking first the Kingdom of God. This doesn't even scratch the surface, really.
Here is a song I wish I had written; instead, Sara Groves penned words that I know to be very true in this moment. It's a miracle that I can finally identify with this healing. Enjoy! :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtpZfYG1nBs
It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's
Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember
And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like
Character
Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending
And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars
Just a little while ago
I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back
I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come
And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you
And I know you're here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars (x3), and more like character.
